October 17, 1998 - Max & Pepper

Greetings and Salutations A.R.S!

Allow us to introduce ourselves. We are Max and Pepper. An extremely attractive, intelligent and professional couple who have been lurking in this group for some time. Take note that she is Max. We did this to screw up the Clams. They'll be scratching their heads on that one for weeks. We are feeling quite euphoric as we burst onto the scene at A.R.S. because we have arrived instantly with the coveted SP3 rating. That's right, we picket ted the Toronto chapter of $cientology. Armed with a video camera, a stealth tape recorder and really cool shades the intrepid couple threw themselves into the fray anticipating a glorious battle the likes of which the Clams had not yet seen. Alas, ours is a wounded opponent and it appeared our enemy bordered on unworthy. And so our hero, Pepper, sends out this plea to all who will listen to send the Toronto chapter of $cientology some serious cash as we risk losing a seriously entertaining pastime.

But we digress. Clearly you are all eagerly awaiting the first report; an unspoken race has started between myself and Elrond to get our reports posted. We hope won.

Now bear in mind that the Clams have NO IDEA who these newcomers are and they're wondering about these two, who are clearly NOT of the genre they're used to. They don't know our names. They don't know what we do for a living and if and when they find out what exactly our mutual professions ARE... well, I'd hate to be the person who does their laundry. An undisclosed event has occurred in the Los Angeles area. The Clams will know what is being referenced here (Hi wgert!!) and they are not sure what to do about it. Well, Pepper represents THAT GROUP. Out of loyalty to his creepy comrades, alas, he cannot give details although the temptation is practically killing him. The Clams should be aware that the appropriate members of the Metro Toronto Police Service are very much aware of the potential threat to the lovely Max and Pepper. It pays to have friends in high places.

Again we digress. Attached is the first batch of compelling pictures from our live coverage. There are massively entertaining shots and amusing commentary that, in some cases, can only be construed as MUDSLINGING. Alas this is a character flaw of Pepper and he has absolutely no intention of working on it. We welcome questions (so we may assist you), comments (so we may understand you) and complaints (so we may ridicule you).

And so our coverage begins.

To start, we found it extremely interesting that the Co$ Chapter in Toronto is in a building which is in a condition that borders on being condemned. I'm sure if you look you'll find a quality picture of the Clam Headquarters on the net. You'll note that sandwiched between the testing facility and the main entrance to the building some poor business (a restaurant called "Brothers") has the dubious honour of being automatically associated with $cientology. This in fact is not the case. These poor unfortunates had a lease in the space before $cientology acquired the building. Though $cientology is not TAX EXEMPT in Canada they are still clinging to the "Non-Profit" Organization status that they managed to scam. Thus this poor restaurant is saddled with the burden of paying property tax for the ENTIRE BUILDING. Their lease expires in the year 2000 and though they have been offered VERY attractive lease terms, they decided that the stigma of $cientology will starve them to death so they are saving every dime so they can move. My heart goes out to these people. But again I digress. The rest of the building has clear code violations which our heroes intend to report on Monday. Being blessed with a telephoto lense we have some very interesting photos to attach to the paperwork that we will start as soon as this message is posted :) The law in Toronto states that any building with five floors or more MUST have an elevator which the Clams do. They have one out of two. It seems that they cannibalized parts from one to repair the other. I only hope that they did a good job because "them Otis folks" are brutal when it comes to inspections :)

You'll also note (and pictures of this are coming) that there are numerous BROKEN windows which witnesses confirm have remained unrepaired for many months. Another interesting thing is that the broken windows in question are on the higher floors which makes me suspect that some poor Clam had a bad audit :)

But we digress yet again.

Our comrades-in-arms from the group S.T.O.P. put up a valiant fight for which they are to be commended. My only regret is that, though the illustrious Mr. Minton expressed a desire to be there, he was not... but that's not to say that the Clams were not run off their feet. After the initial shock of seeing picketters from the demograph that Max and Pepper dwell in, the Clams quickly assigned a woman (who, by her appearance, has never had sex she didn't pay for) to man a video camera which initially was intended to be exclusively focused on us. Trouble is, Max and Pepper are just so damn cute and photogenic that they temporarily broke from their picketting obligations to ham it up for the camera. The sex-starved camerawoman quickly lost interest and turned to take pictures of the clam-clown (yes it was a real clown) handing some poor child a balloon. Elrond was quick to point out that the Clams appeared to lack "Clown-Tech" (Pepper would like to go on record as LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF at this term). Pepper examined the clown to confirm if this was true (always confirm your facts). And it was. This Clam was an interesting one as it possessed the trademark expressionless, yet psychotic features that clams commonly have [is that acquired or is that a genetic thing?]. To compensate for this handicap the Clams had done a paint-job reminiscent of a Stephen King movie. Elrond also pointed out that the balloons they were handing out had ribbons as string. Though not immediately apparent a ribbon in a vertical position, and being equipped with an attachment that pulls it in a direction that gravity did not intend, is an item that should either a) be wrapped around your wrist several times or b) tied with a loop at the end. The target audience, who are only beginning to master the finer points of manual dexterity, are destined to accidentally release said ribbon causing crying children and pissed-off parents. Possessing the several hundred gallons of personal integrity that he does, Elrond explained the error of their ways and offered to show them how to tie a loop that will not slip. The Clams of course, decided that heeding this advice would be too much of an ego blow. At this point I would like you to go back fifty or so years to a time when a man named Adolf failed to produce an atomic weapon because he refused to allow the use of "Jewish Science". I'll let you make the connection.

But alas this drew attention away from its rightful place, that of course being Max and Pepper. Not being ones to be upstaged by personal integrity our heroes modified their pitches to passersby, stating in very audible voices, that they should get the pamphlets from our opponents as well so that they may see both sides of the issue. As you're all aware Clams don't like the idea of a fair forum. This caused the lower-ranking Clams to be yanked off the street and replaced with higher-ranking Clams (Oysters?). Not quite thinking it through, said Clams were handing out a pamphlet consisting of their personality test and an advertisement for yet another Hubbard book. Our replacement Clam was a tall, emaciated man with white hair and a face that would stop a clock (Yes I'm sure he pays for sex too. Perhaps we should start a money-saving Clam dating game). He was making a concerted effort to distance himself from us as we invited the public to retrieve some of his literature as well. Out comes our camera-girl again.

Meanwhile back at the other corner, the intrepid crew is being incited by the person I refer to in the photos as "The fat fuck" as Pepper doesn't know the names of all the players yet. Hence the earlier reference to MUDSLINGING. Again the editor would like to reiterate that the bestower of that moniker is well aware of the character flaw, and has no intention of working on it. Elrond clearly expressed that he was not there for confrontation but to deliver information. The police officer on duty at the scene, was informed of this exchange and walked over to the "fat fuck" whilst he was at the tail-end of a not-very-elegant character assassination. The member of Metro's finest got a clear picture of the clams in their true form. Yes I'm sure you'll all recognize it, attacking the arguer and not the argument.

The Clams don't seem to realize that if somebody states "2 + 2 = 4 ", it doesn't matter how vile they paint the person, the fact remains the same. Which brings us to the Clam that approached Max and Pepper afterwards. This was another "fat fuck", only this one was shorter and wore sun-glasses, which caused me to wonder why a "technology" that is supposed to cure all your short-comings seems to have little effect on their bloated physiques.

As mentioned earlier Max and Pepper were armed with shades. Said shades were, of course, high-end brand names; the clam's were the $5.00 model you buy from street vendors (that's right Clam-boys we got cash and you're not getting it!). The "little fat fuck" proceeded to ask us why we are persecuting a Church to which Pepper offered him his literature and invited him to examine "the literature of our opponents". He then revealed himself as a Clam by saying, "No I expect somebody holding a sign to be able to tell me." Pepper instantly turned to Max and said, "A $cientologist". The "fat fuck" instantly responded "I am not a $cientologist" and then proceeded to say that he didn't know what I was talking about and that I am scum for persecuting a Church. Pepper then explained to Max that this is a common tactic of the Clams, to always attack and NEVER defend, to which the "fat fuck" responds, "Oh she's not allowed to talk?" at which time Pepper said "by all means Max you have the floor". As Max went through the massive repertoire that is her vocabulary, searching for a polite way to say, "Fuck-off you greasy piece-of-shit", Pepper explained that the Fat Fuck should look through the literature on both sides, that we were not there to sell anything and that he must make his own decision. This one stumped him so he left.

As 5:00 pm rolled around, a gargantuan TANK of a woman waddled out as we were packing up. The most memorable thing she screamed was, "Go out and get a real job!" For the record the editor would like to say that combined Max and Pepper are in professional positions that do good for society and made more last month than a Clam will make in the next 10 years (after taxes). Our exciting day ended at the pub across the street, and Max and Pepper were left with the image of two of the pub's proprietors reading our material, given to them by earlier patrons. We handed them more literature and, proving beyond shadow of a doubt that we are NOT Clams, we left a healthy tip.

We hope you enjoyed this report and the editor would like to respond to all the questions that "wgert" and his cronies will ask. As Clams are boringly predictable we have extrapolated the following questions and can virtually guarantee that any question that they post will simply be a variation on a theme. Max and Pepper ask their reading audience to refer back to this report whenever they see the words, "Blow me!"

  This will be the standard answer to any question that is asked and is deemed by them to be a variation of the following:

Q: Why are YOU getting involved? We've never done anything to you?
A: Yes you have...and yer gonna PAY!

Q: You MUST have something to HIDE! Why the Cloak-and-Dagger stuff?
A: We have PLENTY to hide! We're rotten people! Pepper has been PERSONALLY responsible for the demise of 12 companies! He is also responsible for destroying the lives of the principals of said companies! He's glad he did it and he'd do it again! At NO time did Max & Pepper say they were GOOD people! Pepper takes GREAT PLEASURE in making the scum of society writhe in dispair! Besides, you can't harm people that you know nothing about! :)

Q: <Insert any form of PERSONAL attack here>
A (From Pepper): Suck my cock

Q: Aren't your inflammatory statements a little JUVENILE?
A: Yes they are! :) You're never too old to have a happy childhood! HOO-HOO!

Q: Pepper makes a LOT of invitations to oral sex...is he gay?
A: Ask his spouse! She'll explain when the afterglow is finished!

Q: I notice Pepper has to make a reference that re-affirms his manhood! Doesn't THAT say something?
A: It's a guy thing. Get a psychiatrist to explain it to you.

Q: Don't you have anything BETTER to do?
A: Better? Yes...More ENTERTAINING? NO!

Q: Would pepper like to examine Kirsty Alley for body thaetans?
A: How much is she willing to pay?

Q: Aren't you two just a pathetic couple who take sick pleasure on harming the good people of our church?
A: YUP! Pulverized by the pathetic! THAT'S gotta HURT!

Q: Don't you realize that your evil deeds are harming the good people of our church?
A: Sucks to be you!

Q: Is it true that your group invited Helena Kobrin to be "Gang Raped", and threw in a bunch of legal jargon that would effectively give you concent if she or her firm responded? A: Yes we did...and it's a good thing she DIDN'T, We couldn't find anyone that was MAN ENOUGH to GET AN ERECTION for a pig like that!